Soccer? More like SUCKER ammiright? (waits forever for high-five) – Info you Need, from a Reluctant Coach

posted in: blog, family, kids, parenting, sports | 0

I coach my son’s soccer team.

I do this primarily because no one else would and also because I enjoy swearing at other people’s children.

More for the latter, actually.

That being said I have to check in on our town’s soccer website all the time to find out what time my weekends will be ruined with games that I have to travel to. Please keep in mind I barely know how to play the game which is probably where that “If you can’t do, teach” thing comes from. In hindsight should probably teach a lot more because I can’t really do much of anything. Or want to, really.

[takes 4 hour break after typing the above to prove this point]

This morning I was on the website and realized that pretty much every button and category is mislabeled.

soccer page

Since I believe in truth in advertising, I’ve gone ahead and translated each of these for you so – in the event you were considering signing your kid up for soccer you dumb bastard – you knnow what you’re in for.

Here’s the first section:


See? This website is also very informational. You’re welcome.

Okay. Now that you have that under your belt, here is the second grouping, “Team Information.”

In a nutshell, the “U” means “Under” and the number is the age group. So “U6” means “Under 6 years old” or “OMG WHY ARE CHILDREN SO FRIGGING ANNOYING.”

Here you go:



I’ve been coaching for, like, 4 years and I can tell you right now it sucks every bit as much as you think it does. However, in the event we actually win I get pretty pumped and excited until I realize I have to do it all over again for another 6 weeks which, quite honestly, is terrible.

Someone recently suggested my son tryout for the travel team for our town to which I replied, “No thank you. I don’t even like driving them to GameStop down the street.”

Plus they’ve started to play in the rain. IN THE RAIN. I thought this was soccer and everyone was a wuss and we got to cancel for everything so if you’re in, like, Seattle and you think “I’ll register my kid for soccer because 98% of the games will be canceled THINK AGAIN MOM AND DAD YOU ARE SITTING OUTSIDE IN A CRAPSTORM WATCHING KIDS WHILE SCREAMING “KICK THE BALL JUST KICK IT.”

I hope you enjoyed the tutorial. Please stay tuned for my next informative post on how to mix post-game margaritas.