For me this is a huge undertaking because I’ve owned the house since 2011 and don’t think I’ve vacuumed my floors more than once so essentially it looks like a haunted house with worse exterior paint.
In any event, I was discussing the process of refinancing and fixing the house up with my good friend, comedian and fellow author Suzy Soro via email.
Suzy is fucking hysterical and has written and contributed to a number of awesome books – click HERE to learn more and tell her I sent you and maybe she’ll send you tit pics probably not I have no idea.[end of unpaid endorsement section]
I’ve been toying with ideas for my 4th book for a while now, but based on the last email Suzy and I had about this entire house/bank ordeal, I think she nailed it.
She said: “When all your kids are out of the house, you can start your 4th book, “What Was I Thinking?” 4 kids and 2 adults requires a lot of money and time.”
Oh. My. God.
To underscore this “What Was I Thinking” idea, this is the reply – verbatim – that I sent her. The body of the email is, sadly, another one of my true goddamn stories.
I love that title – that’s pretty awesome. Although, it could be about anything. Maybe that’s the title for “Things Go Wrong 2” – Just a bunch of shit that went awry but cataloged.
MY GOD WOMAN I THINK YOU’VE GIVEN ME MY NEXT BOOK IDEA.
Anyway – we had the appraisal guy over yesterday and he was duly impressed with the house and doesn’t think we’ll have a problem being assessed for what we want. This will get me a refinance AND the equity loan I need to start over with a fairly clean slate. I can’t wait.
The fucking kicker, though, was that we spent the last two weeks really working on the house – mainly painting and straightening shit up that we’ve been too lazy to do. The painting fucking sucked. I hate painting.
So one of the last things I have to do is climb a 20-foot ladder to paint the eaves of my house. I’m petrified of heights (but love roller coasters, go figure) so the very last part of my painting was to get this corner near my gutters. My eaves are a dark red paint, but my house is yellow (think McDonald’s) so I’m up on this ladder and start painting and SUDDENLY THERE ARE BEES EVERYWHERE so apparently I started painting a bee’s nest.
One comes over and stings me RIGHT ABOVE MY RIGHT TEMPLE and felt like he pushed a knife in there so I start screaming up on this ladder and making a run down it. All the time I’m holding the paintbrush which is now dragging down the side of my house while Kerri is at the bottom yelling YOU’RE GETTING PAINT EVERYWHERE OMG STOP PAINTING THE HOUSE OMG but I’m terrified and trying to get down as fast as I can without being stung again.
I get to the bottom and look up and it looks like someone has dragged a corpse down the side of my house.
So, yeah. I had to go back up and paint over that later while trying to keep one eye on where the bees came from and the other on covering up this murder scene.
What was I thinking?
OMG I love you.
So there you have it. I’m thinking of another compilation of “What Was I Thinking” stories that could, honestly, be about anything in several categories. I’m so excited I might even let the bees live in the corner of my house for a while longer.
Hahaha fuck that they are so fucking dead OMG.