Yep. It’s rant time.
Now, I haven’t done a full-on rant/writing post in a very very long time – most notably at the now defunct blog, Mental Poo that started this entire pseudo-career path of mine – so here goes.
That said, I was thinking about what to write on here the other day as an inaugural BLOG (OH MY GOD I SAID THE WORD) post and, being the asshole that I am, figured it would be best if I just kept right on being an asshole.
So here goes. My first rant is a driving edition one.
Enjoy.
People in SUV’s who tiptoe over Speed Bumps
Someone, PLEASE tell me why the dickhead in the Jeep/Land Rover/Bigfoot Monster Truck in front of me has to slow down when he goes over a speed bump.
I watch my fair share of television and am pretty sure I’ve seen Land Rover commercials where they’re driving straight up the side of a building or Jeep commercials where two obviously vegan hipsters traverse the rocks of some Arizona desert with smiles on their faces and granola and shit all in their teeth.
So why in God’s name do speed bumps scare them so much? Are their tires lined with nitroglycerin?
I, on the other hand, drive a shitshow Honda Civic that fits quite nicely into the 6-foot wide path BETWEEN the speed bump and the side of the road.
Seriously, SUV guy. Go AROUND. Worst case you end up in the ditch but that’s why you bought the giant truck with optional 4×4 and towing package, right?
Idiot.
Probably these same people who back into car spaces
WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS?!
How many times have you been driving into a parking lot and all of a sudden there is a car or truck stopped in front of you. You’re all, like, “Dafuq?” but that’s when they start BACKING UP.
You realize they’re backing up into the space.
Awesome.
However, because they decided to buy the extra-wide Tahoe edition with double-tires on the back this process becomes an exhibition on executing a 53-point turn.
In.
Out.
Straighten.
In.
Shit.
Out.
Straighten.
In.
Slower.
S..L..O..W..E..R…
In.
Ah, thank Chris-
Out.
SONOFABITCH.
Seriously. Just pull the damn thing in face first.
The only reasoning I can think of that people do this is so that they can make a quick exit after work and just, you know, pull out at 90 mph or something I have no idea.
However, the process of backing their stupid car in has taken 20 minutes and has also made you late for work.
This is why keys were invented.
Go write your name on the side of that thing.
People who can’t park for shit
I’m not really clear what’s going on as of late, but I have noticed a distinct upturn in the frequency of people who park like they got their license at Stevie Wonder’s Driving School.
Crooked.
Over the line.
Touching my bumper.
Parked within an inch of my door.
That last one is the fun one. I thoroughly enjoy trying to press in the fat from my 4-burrito lunch at Chipotle in order to get into my own car.
This is why I’ve come up with this one brilliant idea:
ALL TEST DRIVERS OF NEW CARS MUST ALSO PASS A PARKING TEST.
Simple.
Driver: “I really like this. I think I’ll take it.”
Sales guy: “Not so fast.”
Driver: “Excuse me?”
Sales guy: “Before I can sell this to you, you have to be able to park it correctly in that space right there between the two cars.”
Driver: “Seriously?”
Sales guy: [nods]
Driver: [starts to back into parking space]
Sales guy: “Sorry. Nope. You don’t get it. Give me the damn keys.”
Fin.
What do you think? What are your biggest piss-offs about drivers?