Press

Here is where you can find everything you need to help make me famous. Book covers, press kits, you name it.

Romantic As Hell

Me: [walking out] Wife: Where are you going? Me: Anywhere [daughter & her 2 friends run by throwing glitter slime] Wife: Take me with you

I bought toilet paper at the grocery store but we didn't need it so I've announced to the family they are allowed extra poops this week.

Opened my wife's purse to grab the car keys and there was a cucumber in there so, yeah, I'm feeling a little self-conscious right now.

My body is having an oxidant rally today but police have been called in just in case antioxidants show up and things get a little crazy.

Kids are still sleeping if you're wondering why the wife and I are sitting on the couch trying to remain completely motionless.

[holds coffee filter under bathtub faucet, puts plug in and turns on hot water]

Wife [on porch]: Did you drink an entire pitcher of sangria? Me, in driveway yelling into car mirror: HOW ARE YOU TALKING TO ME THRU THIS

Somewhere, out there, Steve Bannon is returning to his life as the guy who yells at pigeons under the bridge.