Things I Learned on a Cruise – Part Two


I thought I was done with my “Things I Learned on a Cruise” but then I realized after writing Part One I forgot some things that happened on our 7-Day trip to Bermuda that I should probably mention, mainly because I’m out of ideas for other things to write on this website.

That little peek inside my lack of work ethic is free of charge.

If you haven’t read Part One of my “Things I Learned on a Cruise” series (this may go on for infinity if I continue to have writer’s block), you can find it here.

Go ahead. I’ll wait.

AH. You’re back! Excellent.

Here goes.

Key Cards are the Devil

When you get on the boat and register with the cruise people, they give you and your entire party customized room key cards.

Each key card has the passenger’s name on them and is linked to a credit card for any onboard charges you might have. This is because cruise liners don’t take cash AT ALL because in the event of it sinking they don’t want James Cameron going down there and looting the shit out of it, I don’t know.

So everything you buy that isn’t already included with the price of the cruise, gets put onto your room key card.


Normally this wouldn’t be dangerous because food and drinks and booze were included in the packages I bought but we made the mistake of bringing our four kids.

Four kids.

Now, with a ship this big and the millions of things to do, you’d think the kids might not get bored. If you think this, then you obviously don’t have children because the favorite thing a kid likes to say other than MOMMMMMMMMMMM or DADDDDDDDDD is “I’m bored.” You could be in the middle of skydiving and your kid would look over and say “DADDDDDDDDDDDDDD I’M BORRRRRRRRRED.”

So I told my kids that they could spend like an hour each day in the arcade. I mean, seriously, how much money could they rack up in an arcade each day?

Related: Hindsight is a bitch.

At the end of the cruise, I received my statement of additional charges.

It looked something like this:




$600 spent by my kids in the arcade alone and not a single stuffed animal or rubber ball or any piece of crap from the arcade prize bin to show for it.

Oh. Yeah.

Speaking of crap…

“Cruise” and “Poos” Rhyme

Alternate title for this section: “Kids Ruin Everything”

After leaving Boston, we spent a couple of days at sea before finally reaching Bermuda.

Those two days on the boat were spent mainly at the saltwater pool on the top deck of the boat.

While the wife and I sat holding our Bloody Marys and sunning ourselves on the beach chairs, my kids were floating around in the big pool while the guy playing in the band kept yelling NO JUMPING THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING in between reggae songs. Also, why do all reggae songs sound the same? Maybe once in a while they should put in a regular snare drum or something instead of the steel drums and stop saying ‘jammin’ so much. Just a suggestion, if there are any reggae songwriters out there.

On our first night in Bermuda, we returned to the ship to find them putting a large net over the pool and a big sign saying “RESTRICTED AREA – CLOSED.”

We figured they were just cleaning the pool.

They were not.

The next morning my teenage daughter told us that the pool was closed because someone pooped in it.

Someone pooped in the pool.


In the pool.

How my daughter knew this I’m not sure I want to know, other than she spent more time running all over the ship with her newfound teenage friends than the cruise director probably spent. Several times I was walking somewhere when I’d hear my daughter’s voice and turn, only to find a semi-recognizable blur running past yelling HEY DAD and then followed by a rush of wind as I was caught in the wake of a small teenage horde.

But, yes. Someone pooped in the pool.

Because the island of Bermuda doesn’t allow anyone to talk over a whisper, or drive a motorcycle that can go faster than 2 miles per hour and shuts down at 6 PM EVERY SINGLE NIGHT because God forbid someone needs to run to Target because their kid just told their parents they have a diorama due the next day and they need 4 pounds of modeling clay, the ship was not allowed to drain the pool to clean it.

I don’t understand this. Like, dolphins shit in the ocean, right? Why can’t we drain the pool if it has a turd in it? THIS DOES NOT MAKE SENSE.

Worst case, the turd solidifies and becomes a beautiful coral reef. I have no idea how nature works, obviously.

But, alas, the pool was not allowed to be drained.

This meant that, for two days, docked in Bermuda, people had to walk by a closed poo-contaminated pool and couldn’t do a goddamn thing about it.

This also meant for two days without the use of a pool, I had to find something on board the ship for my kids to do.





There is Sea Justice


If you read my Part One, you’ll remember that I wrote about the token obnoxious drunk unruly annoying passenger, Ken.

Well, I found out that Ken actually disappeared from the ship during the end of the voyage because he was thrown into ship jail.


Ken’s behavior ended up landing him in the brigg. I call it that because I think that’s what they called it on McHale’s Navy. If you don’t get that reference, thank you for making me feel older than I actually am.

But, yes. In jail he went. I wish they would have done that to whatever kid shit in the pool. He and Ken could take turns annoying each other and then pooping on the entertainment.

I told this to my kids about Ken going to jail. This, of course, started them asking where it was and if it had bars on it and was he allowed to get room service there STOP ASKING ME QUESTIONS OMG I HAVE NO IDEA. I don’t know why they kept asking me other than maybe they were thinking it would be a cool place to chill out. I’ll see if I can have that arranged for the next time.

At the very least, I’d save $600 in arcade charges.

  1. Nadine

    I was on that cruise too. It was actually Ken who pooped in the pool. Amazing how one guy on a ship of thousands can effect things. Felt terrible for his kids.